Me Too

I was raped. 

And it was horrible.

But I didn’t remember it was horrible. I didn’t remember it at all. 

I spent almost 7 years with almost no memory that I was sexually abused. It’s wild what the brain can do to survive trauma. Luckily for him, I don’t remember his last name or even the month or the year he changed everything for me. That’s crazy to me- he changed everything for me, but I didn’t even remember the memory for the longest time. 

Today I remember. 

I remember we had sex a few times prior to the night. 
I remember after foreplay he asked if he could fuck me. 
I remember how painful it was the first time when I did say yes. 
I remember saying no. 
I remember him rolling on top of me, grabbing my arms and physically constraining me as he violated me. 
I remember him being so strong.
I remember feeling one dimensional. 
I remember being frustrated with myself that I was paralyzed. 
I remember him finishing and rolling off of me, only to then tell me




“you could have at least pretended to enjoy it.” 




I remember staying the night. 
I remember when he texted me a few weeks later to tell me I should get tested and to be safe, a shot of Ceftriaxone.

It was his bedroom 
and his bed.
Red sheets. 
An uncomfortable composition. 

Today I remember. 

Today I remember that I will never allow a man to believe he has any power over me. 
Today I remember that I have the power. 
today I remember all of my dimensions.
Today I remember that he was/probably is still a piece of shit. 
Today I remember that I didn’t deserve that.

Today you hang on my wall
Right next to my canvas. 
Today you are powerless.